A little over a year ago I decided to spend the school year of 2017-2018 to work on myself. I had just suffered a major loss in my life, graduated from school, moved a few times, and felt like I was drowning in a sea of anxiety. I went to college to become a teacher, which is an extremely stressful and taxing job and I decided it would be best for me and potential students to work on myself for a bit. For the past year I have. I have been going to therapy, taking medications, and only accepted part time positions not to overwhelm myself. I am open and honest about when I am feeling anxious with my partner and my friends, I have made tremendous progress and am incredibly proud of myself.
However a little over a week ago I had another major loss in my life. It was a shock, at the time my only goal was to plan everything and I did. I planned a beautiful service and my father is at peace. But I am left here feeling set back. I wake up lethargic, when friends are talking I sometimes can’t help but feel lost, and even am just disinterested in every topic at times. I yelled at a friend for talking about the Survivor season finale and later that day burst into tears before entering a movie theatre to see “Solo” of all movies. Even as I type I can feel myself shaking a bit on my patio with anxiety. This makes me feel lost as I am still the terrified person I was in September. This set back makes me feel like all progress has been lost but it is important to recognize that it hasn’t.
I am not lost. I am not the same person I was in September. I have coping mechanisms now.
The progress I have made is not gone. It is still there but now I know I need to to rest. If I go out I know to set up a signal indicating to a friend or my partner that I might need a break.
I remind myself that I am allowed to give myself time. Time where I can write. Time where I can paint, knit, draw, and make scrapbooks. As well as time where I can play music, something I have not allowed myself to do. I give time to read YA Fantasy, poetry, and literature. I must give time for bubble baths and letting the nice scented hot water soak some of the anxieties away. But with all of this I must also allow time to accomplish my goals.
I want to be a full time teacher, go to grad school for Music Therapy, update this blog expanding the community, and finish the novel I set out to write. Chipping away at these goals little by little is important too. It is about finding a way to incorporate both and being patient with myself when the plan does not work and ok when some days my brain cannot work with me to get the work done. It has been said to me a few times that the mark of a great teacher is not a beautiful lesson plan but the reaction you give when your lesson plan is not working. Teaching on your feet when the plan is not working is arguably one of the hardest skills to learn for new teachers. I think we can bring that into life as well. Often plans do not work out, even if you have everything written down in a fancy planner. The key to living a happy life is adjusting when the plan does not work, for giving your time to rest when need be .
I have been set back but have not lost the lessons. This will be a year where I can truly work and accomplish goals but also allow time to have some rest. Recovery is non linear and I have the strength to push on. I believe for the rest of the year I will be pushing on and making great progress.